Stop Apologizing For Taking Up Space
Why do so many women constantly say, “I’m sorry”?
I’ve noticed for a long time an alarming habit that most women (and others socialized to be feminine) have:
”I’m sorry.”
It’s like we are conditioned from the moment we can talk to apologize for our presence and default to being second-class citizens.
Why do women, in particular, always default to “I’m sorry”?
When we shrink our bodies
rounding a corner at the grocery store and almost bumping into someone
edging past someone on the subway
squeezing into the last seat on the bus
claiming the armrest on a flight (even from the dreaded middle seat)
When we shrink our voices
raising a hand in a meeting or in class
forwarding an email thread (“Sorry to bother…”)
taking even a five-minute lunch break before the next Zoom
asking a server to replace a cold meal
returning a defective product
correcting someone who mispronounces our name (How many of us just let it go because we don’t want to seem difficult?)
being interrupted, then apologizing anyway… (what?!)
letting tears fall, then whispering, “sorry” for our human reaction
It’s not just my opinion
Stop apologizing for taking up space.
Two diary studies from the University of Waterloo found that women don’t love apologizing more than men; we simply notice more “offenses.” Men wait for a higher bar before even considering that they’ve done something offensive, so they apologize less. It isn’t excessive humility, it’s calibration. Our dials are set lower.
Apologizing for nothing can also be seen as an effort to keep everyone else comfortable. Women are natural-born caretakers; our desire to keep everyone happy is innate. In digital life, that means softening emails with “sorry to bother you!” and a confetti-burst of exclamation marks, as outlined by New Statesman. Women do it far more than men, not because we love making ourselves small, but because we’re told warmth is our ticket to being heard. And, as children, we were taught to stay quiet - it meant we were polite - and not to be too bold, lest we be seen as “gregarious.”
In a related post, the other day, one of my industry connections Jingjin Liu, wrote this:
𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗱𝗿𝗮𝘄 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗮𝗹 𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗼𝗺𝘆. Stop trading obedience for crumbs of recognition. The higher you rise, the more dangerous it becomes to anchor your value in other people’s applause. Power begins the moment you’re willing to be misunderstood and comfortable with it!
So maybe we shouldn’t say sorry at all sometimes. I love Jingjin’s “withdraw from the approval economy” statement. I bet our “sorry’s” go way down when we stop chasing approval.
We have the power to free ourselves
I’ve been trying to be very cognizant of this habit, and instead of saying “Sorry,” I’ve been swapping in other phrases that are more appropriate for each situation. If you also want to stop shrinking, here are five other phrases to try.
“Excuse me.”
Pure, factual, no shame required.“Pardon me.”
Your grandmother’s civility, minus self-blame.“Oops!”
Acknowledge the moment, keep moving.“Thanks for waiting.”
Flips the script—gratitude instead of contrition.“Let me clarify.”
When you couldn’t hear, or when they couldn’t.
Go a week, then a month, slotting these in where “sorry” once lived. If you’re not ready to do it for yourself, do it for someone who looks up to you: a daughter, niece, neighbor, or employee. Model spacious confidence. Stand up straight, so to speak, and emphasize your right to be in the room.
Exist boldly: politely but unapologetically.
Every unsaid apology is an act of bravery and resilience
Every needless “sorry” you swallow is a tiny but powerful act of resilience and bravery in the face of discomfort. Psychologist Ann Masten calls this ordinary magic—the small, repeated acts that wire us to bounce back.
These swaps are tiny spells, a signal to your nervous system that presence isn’t perilous; it’s power. And today, women still need to work like hell to take back their power. We can still do it with grace, though.
When you start to use other vernacular and drop the apologies for no reason, you’ll notice the air around you expand. Notice your shoulders drop. Existence isn’t an imposition; it’s an inheritance. Take up the acreage of your own life: politely, brightly, and unapologetically.
A nice side effect? When you do say “I’m sorry,” it will have a stronger, more poignant meaning.
#sorrynotsorry
I love this 😀
Enjoyed this. 💝